It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
i think my cat just said my name.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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