ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
