you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
