Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
