Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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