The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize