Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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