Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
We were destined to go to rehab together
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
