If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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