Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
