my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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