It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
