I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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