I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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