you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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