i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just want nice things and good sex
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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