I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
