I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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