Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
