im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
