chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
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