so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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