the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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