The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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