FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
