We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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