Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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