I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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