if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Fuck appropriateness.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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