Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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