They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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