My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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