My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
No subtext here. People are naked.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
