Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
