Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize