There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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