My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
