sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
