Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
