Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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