He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize