I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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