I can tuck mytits in my pants
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
