last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
