I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Randomize