I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
