I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
