U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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