Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize