i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Randomize
