Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
