Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Life is so much better after having sex.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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