so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
