I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
