k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
