I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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