I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
