marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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