when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
