Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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