no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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