If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
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