My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize